Delayed response

When we were about to embark on our IVF journey, the hubs and I decided that when it came time to put the embryos back, we would transfer two. We knew the chances of having twins were very high and we were OK with that. 

We put in two and when we went back for our first ultrasound at 6 weeks, we were pregnant with twins. One was measuring smaller than the other but, nonetheless, it was a twin pregnancy. Unfortunately, when we went back for our 8-week visit to hear the heartbeats, there was only one. The other embryo stopped growing.

Between the 6th and 8th week visits I went back to my acupuncturist, thinking she could do something to help the smaller embryo grow. I went a few times back to back. I prayed like crazy, I wished and hoped and talked to both of them, telling them to stay strong!

At the time, I felt somewhat prepared that the second embryo might not make it, based on our first visit at the doctor, and I was truly grateful that we had one viable, heart-beating foetus in there. There were so many emotions happening that I didn't fully process the loss of one. 

The doctor I saw at my 6-week appt was not my regular doctor. He treated the second, smaller embryo like it wasn't even there. It was a very cold appt with that doc, who I made sure to never see again.

I really didn't know how to process it. It was joy and loss at the same time.

But now, after having my daughter, I think about the loss more. It's a delayed reaction I suppose -- a delay in the processing of it all. Eva had a twin, but it wasn't meant to be.

With the increase in infertility nowadays and the use of assisted reproductive technology, like intrauterine insemination (UIU) and IVF, the increase in multiple births has risen greatly. (I could look up some stats here but I am not feeling it today)

Somewhere in my day I come across twins, hear about twins, etc., and the more and more I hear of impending births of twins, it stings. Not in a way that I am not happy for those with twins or those about to have them, but a sting at my loss, the one I feel like I am only just now beginning to process after all this time. I can barely even say 'miscarriage' in regards to my loss and I only talk about it to a very few people.

I have many close friends with twins, which I adore! But when I was at Fairway yesterday, shopping with Eva, a young woman told me that she had twins asleep in her car (with her husband, of course) and she was rushing through the store before they woke up. It was really cute and made me smile but I also had a strange feeling of longing. It's a weird mix.

There isn't much more to say about this except, it is what it is. I have the greatest gift and blessing in Eva and I know that everyday.

xxoo