Delayed response

When we were about to embark on our IVF journey, the hubs and I decided that when it came time to put the embryos back, we would transfer two. We knew the chances of having twins were very high and we were OK with that. 

We put in two and when we went back for our first ultrasound at 6 weeks, we were pregnant with twins. One was measuring smaller than the other but, nonetheless, it was a twin pregnancy. Unfortunately, when we went back for our 8-week visit to hear the heartbeats, there was only one. The other embryo stopped growing.

Between the 6th and 8th week visits I went back to my acupuncturist, thinking she could do something to help the smaller embryo grow. I went a few times back to back. I prayed like crazy, I wished and hoped and talked to both of them, telling them to stay strong!

At the time, I felt somewhat prepared that the second embryo might not make it, based on our first visit at the doctor, and I was truly grateful that we had one viable, heart-beating foetus in there. There were so many emotions happening that I didn't fully process the loss of one. 

The doctor I saw at my 6-week appt was not my regular doctor. He treated the second, smaller embryo like it wasn't even there. It was a very cold appt with that doc, who I made sure to never see again.

I really didn't know how to process it. It was joy and loss at the same time.

But now, after having my daughter, I think about the loss more. It's a delayed reaction I suppose -- a delay in the processing of it all. Eva had a twin, but it wasn't meant to be.

With the increase in infertility nowadays and the use of assisted reproductive technology, like intrauterine insemination (UIU) and IVF, the increase in multiple births has risen greatly. (I could look up some stats here but I am not feeling it today)

Somewhere in my day I come across twins, hear about twins, etc., and the more and more I hear of impending births of twins, it stings. Not in a way that I am not happy for those with twins or those about to have them, but a sting at my loss, the one I feel like I am only just now beginning to process after all this time. I can barely even say 'miscarriage' in regards to my loss and I only talk about it to a very few people.

I have many close friends with twins, which I adore! But when I was at Fairway yesterday, shopping with Eva, a young woman told me that she had twins asleep in her car (with her husband, of course) and she was rushing through the store before they woke up. It was really cute and made me smile but I also had a strange feeling of longing. It's a weird mix.

There isn't much more to say about this except, it is what it is. I have the greatest gift and blessing in Eva and I know that everyday.

xxoo

Full term

Well...I've made it to 37 weeks and its astounding that I am here. By this time, woman are considered full-term, which means this baby's organs should be fully developed and ready for the outside world. So look out world, this baby is getting ready to arrive!

My baby belly with my newest niece hanging out!

The anxiety is building...I am excited and scared and happy all at the same time. Most of all, I am beyond grateful. I can honestly say that a moment has not passed during this entire pregnancy that I have not felt grateful. It's the one constant. I know the hard choices women make going through infertility  I've seen it first hand with my friends. I haven't had to go beyond one IVF and that makes me beyond grateful. I am humbled. I will never look at pregnancy, children, parenthood or infertility the way I did before we ventured into this territory more than five years ago. I will never forget what I have learned about myself, the strength of the amazing women I know and how inspired I will always be by all of them!

Today when I hit 37 weeks, I sent a text to my hubs letting him know that our baby is the size of a Swiss chard. I asked him if he ever thought we would get to this place? I think he is going to miss my big belly.

I haven't written in so long...time really flew by. I had the most amazing baby shower that was so filled with love and goodness that I want to relive it all of the time. It was one of the best days I've had. The generosity of my family and friends was astounding and just how much it meant was beyond words.

I hope to pass all that goodness onto to my next friend who is expecting a baby!

As for now, I am totally focused on the birth. It will be at home where we will be surrounded by women who have supported our birth plan from day one and have been wonderful - my midwife and doula. I am working hard on my hypnosis...and am feeling confident about it. Hypnobabies was one the best choices we made along the way of having a natural childbirth.

Our classes were taught by the amazing Lesley Levine from Hypnobliss Birth. I cannot wait to put it all into action!

Na Na Na Na Hey Hey Hey Goodbye...

I said adiós to my progesterone shots on Sunday. I won't go into the loathing and all that...I am looking ahead to days where I won't have a black and blue bum :)

The last one didn't even hurt in the least. I barely felt it...maybe it was mind over matter :) Well I am glad that finally kicked in on the last one.

It feels freeing to be done with the injections and the suppositories as well. It's also a milestone...I am more than 10 weeks along and am really starting to have to accept this...realize this is REAL, and the IVF worked.

I remember during my sister-in-law's third pregnancy a couple of years ago I was sitting with her at my in-law's house and felt her belly and my little nephew kicking. It brought tears to my eyes and I worried that I would never get to that place and get to experience that.

I know full well how lucky I am at this moment.

It is strange being on this "side" in a way, you are leaving behind (sort of) this world of infertility that you became accustomed to...one that you wore like a badge/weight/armour/with sadness/with hope. I am still part of this "sisterhood" and I have many sisters who are still on this journey.

I want so so bad to pull them to side and make all the worry and pain go away. I wish I could fix all of their problems.

What I can do is let them know I am here for them 100%, I will pick them up when they fall, I will listen to their pain and sadness and worry and venting at any time. I am also here to offer hope that YOU CAN DO THIS! You can get through it and make your dreams come true.

Hand it over to your higher power...they make things happen, they give you faith, they take the weight off of your back. I want to say to all my "Panera Girls" that you are in my thoughts and prayers everyday and that we are all on this journey together!!

If you reading this and feel alone and that you have no one else to talk to, one of the best decisions I ever made was to find a support group of women who were dealing with the same struggle I was. I can't stress it enough how much it helps!

The National Infertility Association, Resolve, can help you find a group in your area. Check it out here.

The waiting game...

Holy crap is this annoying! Nice view but freakin' annoying!

What's a girl to do during the waiting game before the pregnancy test? 

Well I have alphabetized my closet...didn't think that was possible? Well I made it possible (in my head)...by brand name then color then by item then rated by comfort. :) 

Do I sound like I have a lot of time on my hands...well I do...

Then I gave my dogs and cats (I have a mini-farm at home...the animals outnumber the humans) manis/pedis/facials/conditioner treatments/massages/acupressure/chakra alignments...then I lit some sage and made sure they had no negativity surrounding them. 

Not a happy kitty

Ok, well maybe I didn't do all of this but I am definitely considering it. It's better than the alternative which has been me just staring into space and thinking and thinking and thinking.

Since I need a break from my constant thinking and watching the seconds of this day tick by so I wanted to share a previous post again on a way to eliminate stress/anxiety/overall glumness, etc and that's by using the Emotional Freedom Technique, or ETF. Below will redirct to an older post on EFT and how to do it and what it all means! Happy Tapping!!

It's Emotional Freedom Baby, Yeah!

Also, just found this online...want to learn how to tap? Check it out!

Tapping World Summit 2012!!

There goes the safety net....(sort of)

So I was flying high...had 20 eggs retrieved, 13 matured, 12 fertilized and 2 transferred. I thought I would have an arsenal left over of 10 embryos to freeze but today Dr. T told me that only 2 made it to freeze. The others didn't make it to the expanded blastocyst stage and were therefore not freezable.

I was a little bummed but at least I still have 2 to work with and I am grateful for that. Dr. T did say that what I got is pretty good and that most IVF cycles don't get more than that!

For now, I am pulling for these tiny little Grade A's that are hopefully working to attach deeper into my uterine lining and beginning implantation.

The crazy part is that the medium I went to in March told me she saw 4...and I thought she was nuts. I think I said something like "well I hope not!" thinking she meant I would only get 4 eggs retrieved. Turns out she was right about the 4...we transferred 2 and now have 2 frozen...that's the second thing that has come up since our reading that came true.

She said there are two kids "waiting to come" and they are very close...so we shall see how close.

I am in the waiting part of this cycle and its truly strange...I feel sort of relieved to be at this point but also anxiety filled. I try to keep the negative thoughts out....I even asked myself, can it be this easy? Could I be one of the lucky ones that IVF works the first time?

It's a strange thing to ask since going through IVF isn't easy at all but I know women that have gone through more. If I were to pose this question to my friends and family who haven't had any fertility issues, they would think I was nuts for asking if it can be this easy.

But I still wonder, have I done enough? Have I worked hard enough at this? These are the annoying questions I ask myself and the ones I want to keep at bay too. I tried hard this month to keep my chin up and be grateful every step of the way...sometimes these thoughts just creep in.

But I still do feel positive about this cycle...I am 3dpt and I feel good. It's Friday...I will sleep in tomorrow and do whatever I please and hang out with friends and just have fun.

Have a good weekend fertile readers!!
xoxo

Say hello to my little blastocysts...

Yes, I am quoting Tony Montana from Scarface when talking about my "grade A" embryos...but hey, a girl's gotta laugh through this!!

Well here they are...they have my eyes and my husband's bone structure! He said the right one looks like a buffalo nickel...so we are considering the name Buff for a boy :)

Their first photo...with touch-ups of course :)

The transfer was seamless and Dr. Brown at SIRM in NYC was awesome as well as all the nurses there who I always love to see! Dr. B said my lining was "beautiful" and that was the best compliment that I could have ever heard.

We transferred two and now we have 10 left...which makes me feel good, like I have a safety net.

Here is a little tip I got from a good friend about drinking water before the transfer. You need a full bladder when doing the transfer...we live on Long Island and had to drive into NYC..I was going to start drinking an hour before we got there but thank god I didn't or I wouldn't have been able to hold it.
So a friend suggested starting to drink the water when you are about half way to your appointment because you are not taken in immediately and may have to wait. So thanks Heather for that tip! You saved my bladder :)

So St. Rita was in my purse in the room during the transfer as my good luck charm/goddess/mascot/giver-of-hope. Come on St. Rita...I need a miracle!!

My husband's aunt brought me this back from a St. Rita church in Philly

I am at home now just relaxing and trying to make the most out of the rules from the doc...no lifting over 10 lbs...no strenuous activity...like vacuuming!! Wooo hooo!

But really, my husband hasn't let me do anything for a few weeks now...no opening the gate in the driveway, picking up the dogs, or carrying anything at all. He has been awesome, especially since he can be seen around town holding a coach bag for me! I tell him it's like a man-bag; a murse -- he does not find that funny.

Progesterone...my IVF nemesis

I have been stressing since the start of this IVF cycle about doing intra-muscular shots like progesterone. It's kept me up at night and made me sweat when I thought about it.

Well ladies and gents, it is here...the time to do the shot in my bum...and grin and bear it! On the positive side, doing the shots means that I am that much closer to moving forward with this cycle and I am always excited about that!

But still, all I could think about was this GIANT needle that had to go into my upper/outer butt quadrant. I was picturing it going in and through muscle and tissue and how I was going to be screaming with pain.

It was my nemesis.

At it turns out, the needle part wasn't as bad as I thought. I was laying on the bed with my head in a pillow ready to cry but it was way worse in my head!

Actually, the real pain in the butt comes AFTER the shot where it feels like a big old bruise. I've only done one so far but I can image where this is going...hopefully my husband will not forget about these shots and smack my bum in a way that was once cute but could now spark WWIII.

One thing I have figured out from all of this is that the sight of any needle that I know is meant for me makes my stomach do backflips and sends me running to the loo. So if I have a problem going to the loo...well then all I need to do is look at a needle and I am all set and regular again :)

Yes, they are here..the side effects

Ok so yesterday I was all "I feel great" and "I have no side effects"

this is not me but some lady who is dizzy...if it were me I would get better highlights.

Well I can eat those words today....well not really because I might just throw them up. Follistim has reared its lovely head and given me massive headaches and nausea.

And when did it decide to hit me? On my train ride home. I was leaving work a little late and got on the train home...and thanks to "signal problems" the Long Island railroad cancelled some trains and combined others. I walked from front of train to back and not one seat was available...Ok, fine.

So I am standing in the back of a packed car when all of sudden I get a hot flash...I wish I could strip down but ya know, I can't cause I'll get arrested and all. So to avoid jail time I just take off my jacket and scarf and sweat it out.

Following the sweats I am overcome with a pukey feeling. I don't know what to do at this point...can't move down the aisle and I am NOT on a car with bathroom. At that point I consider puking in my purse if it came to that.

Somehow, however, I managed to breath through it and make off the damn train before blowing chunks.
So on the plus side I didn't have to puke in front of strangers...or anyone for that matter. And didn't have to ruin a new handbag!

It comes in waves and I am doing ok now...my husband made me cookies "with love" so all is good! xoxo

Hello follies...looking lovely today

Well I am laying the ground work for a fertile ground  in my uterus and as you can see (sort of)...all is good in mah belly. Those are follicles on one of my ovaries and since all looks good I've started my stimulation meds a few days early and am on my way!

I did my first shot of follistim last night and I feel really good today...the only minor side effect I've noticed so far is... crazy, hardcore balling at the site of anything, constant hunger, happiness followed by misery, hugging followed by screaming at my husband, my dog, my cat, my postman (he was caught off guard) and any poor telemarketer who calls my house...

Hehehe...just kidding! Really I've had no side effects (knock on wood) yet except a little bit of hotness at night and I don't mean the sexy kind. But nothing that keeps me up. My dreams have been a little out of control but I've always been that way so nothing new there.

I did have a little breakdown on Sunday night and Monday morning..I was not feeling my optimistic self and things felt very heavy and crappy. My bright spot and my rock is my husband who has given over all to a higher power and reminds me to do the same because good things are to come! I do believe that but get shaken from time to time. I know how lucky I am to have a man like him, who picks me up and carries me when I am down.

I was looking through an old box of my stuff a while back and found some letters that my grandmother had written me when she was alive. She always wrote me letters throughout my life. The one I happened to read was so timely and about when life is hard and you are discouraged just give all over to god to handle.

It made me feel such relief to read it. I don't think there are coincidences, I think Grammy G was there to make sure I read her note at that moment, just like when I saw a rainbow and knew it was from her after she died.

All is good today and I am ok with today...living in this moment feels great, so I'll take it!

So I will know more later this week on how those follicles are progressing! Until then I am continuing acupuncture twice a week along with taking my vitamins and trying to stay active.

I've skipped out on the gym but have been walking Ollie a lot...of course he is way happy about that!

March-ing forward...

So it's official, we are moving ahead with IVF and are on the road to making things happen!

I am excited and scared at the same time. I have been reading "In vitro fertilization: The ART of Making Babies" written by Dr. Geoffrey Sher, the founder and executive medical director of the Sher Institute for Reproductive Medicine, or SIRM. The book has a lot of info and really takes you through all of the steps (physically, emotionally and financially) of the IVF process.

I found out about SIRM when I was researching unexplained infertility and had been thinking about immune issues related to that.

I wrote this blog piece at that time and part of the IVF that I am doing at Sher will include treatment that will suppress my immune system (intralipids) so that implantation can occur. Really, at this point only god knows why it hasn't happened yet so we are taking a shot in the dark at this. An expensive shot!!

Isn't this all just so romantic? I wonder if candles will be lit in the laboratory? Will the embryologist put on some smooth tunes to set the mood? Hopefully my girls will be receptive to his boys!

At this point, I am trying to stay positive and attempting to not to think too far ahead (I mean I already have my son/daughters wedding planned :) So I need to simmer down and be in this moment.

The next moment to happen will be in about an hour when I walk to the east side of Manhattan to meet with a nurse to talk about what comes next.

And off we go!!
xoxo

P.S. For those of you who know me personally, please keep anything you read on here between us :) I am very open about my situation but want to tell my family on my own time. Thanks!