Update: February is the shortest month but it has been dragging FOREVER!

So goes the saying...you won't realize the distance you walked until you take a look around and realize how far you've been.

I am still on this journey and was thinking about all of the other women I know who are also on this journey to motherhood and how far all of us have gone and how slow this journey feels. But still, we wake up in the morning and still say, we will try again.

I have been on this baby journey for more than four years...it has not been four years of major procedures (although we have done a couple) but of a re-vamp of my life, an evolving and changing life, one that had lows of depression and highs of just happiness for being alive and grateful for what I already have.

I am getting ready to see a new fertility doctor on Feb. 29. I am excited and nervous but also don't want to put too much on just one person to "fix" my situation. I haven't been to a fertility doctor in about 2 years...since that time I had a lot of life changes that needed to happen. Timing is everything and although I HATE to say that and accept it, it was the case for me. (it doesnt mean I didnt kick and scream for a lot of it :)

In all of the testing we have done in all these years, there has been no definitive answer as to why I have not gotten pregnant, not once. In my gut, though, I always suspected it may be an immune issue.

Recently, I had a Lyme disease test that came back as borderline...which is even more frustrating. I have been exposed but no one can say for sure if I had a mild case of it, if that's even possible.

As a precaution, my family doctor put me on 21 days of antibiotics, the same thing we did to treat my dog when he had Lyme.

I wouldn't think too much of the Lyme test but I have an unexplained joint pain for about two years and joint pain in a symptom of Lyme. Around the same time the joint pain started, I was living in PA in a wooded area with lots of ticks. Also my mom has Lyme and is still being treated for it.

After Googling things, which we all know can be a bad idea, I read that you can pass Lyme to a baby if pregnant. So I am freaked out.

I found a doctor who treats Lyme in NYC and tried to figure out all of this with him. He re-tested my blood, sending it to the Stonybrook Lyme Lab and then had me repeat an MRI on my left wrist, which is the source of my joint pain.

The Lyme test showed that I was exposed to Lyme, but according to the CDC guidelines, I didn't test positive for Lyme. My MRI showed a swollen bone in my hand  and fluid in my wrist (same as the MRI did that I had in 2010). But really, no straight forward answer as to why I have the pain. I wasn't in an accident and had no trauma to my wrist.

Another test my doc did was the Antinuclear Antibody test, or ANA, which is the first test done to see if you have an auto-immune disease. Mine was at the top of the normal range.

Your immune system normally makes antibodies to help fight infection, according to the Mayo Clinic. In contrast, antinuclear antibodies often attack your body's own tissues - specifically targeting each cell's nucleus.

In most cases, a positive ANA test indicates that your immune system has launched a misdirected attack on your own tissue -- in other words, an autoimmune reaction.

In the past I've had an NK cell test, which tests for natural killer cells, and it was pretty high. This test was done when I went to the Sher Institute in PA in 2010. The thinking is that your body attacks an embryo as if it were a foreign object in your body. (**This thinking is pretty controversial in the fertility world and I found Sher Institute when I was researching immunity/infertility. So not all REs agree with this.)

So several questions remain about my Lyme and ANA tests...is the borderline Lyme test causing a high ANA reading? Is the joint pain a symptom of the Lyme or is the Lyme exaggerating something that was already there? Is the high ANA reading a cause of my infertility? Do I have another autoimmune disease that I am not aware of yet?

I am hoping to get closer to answering these questions next week...on Tuesday I am seeing an infectious disease doctor about the Lyme test then on Wed off to the Sher Institute in NYC to see if Dr. Tortoriello can put it all together for me.

I am not sure if I am more confused now than before, or if I am getting closer to understanding the cause of my infertility.

Only time will tell...in the meantime I am heading to Vermont this weekend to make this month, which has been the slowest damn month ever, move along nicely and do some relaxing (and drinking) before I get serious next week.
Will keep you posted!
xoxo

Drink until you see Pink...

I met a group of awesome ladies at a support group meeting a few weeks ago and one of the girls said that funny line and I am most certainly living by it!

Little Ruby and a lovely bottle of wine

A little vino before bed, with dinner, with lunch, after lunch, before dinner, during the day just for kicks, when I shower..ok, ok just kidding. I am not developing an addiction but am happily doing things that I can before I cannot for 9+ months :)

I am keeping the optimism going...although sometimes I get weighed down by time going so slowwwwww. I am uber excited for my doctor appt at the end of February but it feels like it's years away. My patience is being tested, again, as it has been for more than four years of all this waiting and waiting and more freakin' waiting. I also calculated that when I go to see the RE doctor at the end of Feb, I will be on day five of my cycle so the month of March (when I turn a year older..ugh!) will be a wash. I am a little down in the dumps.

So I will instead indulge in things I cannot do while pregnant like eating sushi, drinking alcohol...jumping on a trampoline (well maybe just my bed instead), break dancing and eating moldy cheeses.

Health update...

Here is a little background on what I did in 2011...

MAY: We went to see a naturopath to do a fertility work-up. It resulted in some blood work and tweaking but nothing too major on that end. My hubz was checked for a varicoscele (see definition here), which he did not have and is A-OK.

As for me, I had a low Vitamin D level (29) and some other minor things like an elevated homocysteine level. It is an amino acid, which, when elevated may be associated with a number of health problems including heart disease and infertility. I wasn't out of the range of normal but a little too high for my naturopath's liking. High homocysteine is associated with low levels of vitamin B6, B12, and folate. My CO-Q10 levels were also on the low side.

I was given some supplements including: adrenal support (for energy), Vit-D3 (10,000 IU/day), Homocysteine support (which is a combo of vitamin B6, 12, folic acid and betaine) and ubiquinol (CoQ10).

After that, not much really happened...just checking in with the naturopath and talking. Finally, my naturopath said to me that she believes that I had convinced myself that I could not get pregnant. While I agree with that, I don't think it's the only reason why I have not gotten pregnant in almost five years of trying. But like I said...going down a road leads you to another. She sent me to my current doctor/wellness guru Dr. Vastola and that was a great move!

AUGUST: Here is what began a new look at my life. I did biofeedback with Dr. V along with EFT (see previous posts), therapy, releasing of energy and work that got me back on an airplane without being drugged. I removed a lot of weight from a very heavy backpack and left feeling lighter.

Dr. V also upped by Vit D-3 supplement to 30,000 IU/day (liquid) and also added liquid vitamin K&D. He also added some Bach Flower remedies to my regimen, which is liquid you drop into your drink and it helps balance emotional issues. I am using Rock Rose, which adds courage and presence of mind in the face of terror or extreme fear. Honeysuckle, which helps put memories of the past into proper perspective if you are feeling homesick or overly nostalgic and also Oak, which allows the naturally strong to take a break rather than struggle on without rest.

SEPTEMBER-NOVEMBER: During this time I was taking my supplements, doing EFT with Dr. V as well as other emotional release techniques. He was also doing the biofeedback with a cold laser. Also, I was gearing up for a flight to Chicago for business. I am NOT a good flyer and seemed to be getting worse an worse. Let's just say on a flight to London over the summer, I was highly medicated and a little drunk...meaning I was barely conscience when I got on the plane at JFK. The way back was no better, plus I was alone on that flight. At least on the way to London I could freak out in the presence of a friend :).  Anyway, before going to Chicago I worked hard with Dr V and really got to the root of my flying fear and can say I went on my flight WITHOUT meds or drinking. My husband was there to witness it and I did even better on the flight back to NY. WOO HOOO!!

Also during this time my husband and I both started going to acupuncture regularly and it's been a really good experience and something we will definitely continue to do.

DECEMBER: Just chilled out this month. Just for kicks we bought a fertility monitor. It's by Clearblue Easy and its one that gives you a great reading of your fertile days. So we've been following that.
I also did another blood test to update from April.
Vitamin D levels moved from 29 to 70 so that's awesome! Everything else looks great too. My thyroid is working nicely and all else was groovy.

And now into 2012:

JANUARY: I decided to make an appt with Dr. Tortoriello at Sher Institute in NYC. I've been to Sher before in the Lehigh Valley and saw Dr. Peters who I really liked, but we moved out of that area (went on a break) and never did any treatment with him. But I want to move forward and see if there is anything else that Dr. T can shed light on with my unexplained infertility. So the appt is set for February 27!
Wish me luck!

xoxo