Breastfeeding is a mindF#&K!!

I am 19 weeks into motherhood and it's been crazy!!! Crazy good, crazy awesome, crazy-i-think-i-will-lose-my-mind-soon. Just crazy crazy. Just like my sweet little peanut, I too can cry and laugh all in the same breath. That's what raging hormones on a roller coaster mixed with a lack of sleep mixed with breastfeeding will do to you.

We will all have different experiences as mothers and this is just mine but seriously, who would have thought breastfeeding - one of the most natural things a woman can do - would be so damn complicated, thus the title of this blog post.

For the first three months of Eva's life I nursed her every hour. I would be sitting on the chair in my living room when my husband left for work in the morning and still be there when he got home. I barely made it to the bathroom or ate. Thank god my mom was here for a week feeding me and doing my laundry. And if my mother in law also didn't make food for us, I would have just gnawed on my arm.

And the pain was awesome too, well no, not really. I saw stars when Eva would latch, like in cartoons when a character gets hit over the head. I saw them and they sucked. My husband likely thought I was an uncontrollable lunatic during that time. I wonder if he thought he was ever going to get his normal wife back.

But alas, I finally called someone to help me. I waited so long because I thought it was supposed to hurt and you were not supposed to sleep or get a break and that was just how my baby was. WRONG!!

I called a lactation counselor/postpartum doula who saved me (and my nipples)! Little Miss Eva was tongue-tied which means her tongue movement was restricted due to an attached frenulum (that skin under your tongue). In other words, her latch wasn't great and she was working overtime to get milk because her suck was lacking.

When my LC, Kathy Koncelik, came to my house and found Eva's tongue-tie it was as if the darkness had been lifted and I was reborn. There was hope and breastfeeding didn't have to be do damn painful, which it is not supposed to be at that point!

Needless to say, we had the issue fixed with a quick snip of the frenulum by a lovely doctor in NYC and Eva was latching and nursing like a champ! It wasn't all rainbows and unicorns after that...there were still times when I continued to doubt my supply and that constant question of "was she getting enough??" still lurked in the background. But after Eva gained a pound in 10 days I knew things were working out. Also I have no more pain in the nips! Yahoooooo!!!

This isn't me but I love this pic!

Here is what I would do differently. Call a lactation consultant/postpartum doula from DAY 1. After that baby pops out, have an LC at your house when you get home or when your milk comes in. IT IS SO WORTH IT!!!

I am stubborn and also I hate quitting or giving up on anything. So breastfeeding became a mindf&*K because I wanted to continue so badly but the pain and constant nursing was weighing on me. I remember at the time saying to my husband that breastfeeding was the hardest thing I had ever gone through in my life. I was really down in the dumps.

My sister in law who gave birth five weeks before I did had other issues with bfeeding. Her supply was too much and my niece was choking and spitting up and it was just a mess. Then when she went back to work and tried to pump she got barely anything. She changed from an electric pump to a hand pump and that has worked out for her but not before she lost her mind in the process.

Thankfully we both have our minds back (well partially anyway) and breastfeeding is moving forward. During some of our dark hours we would talk about calling it quits and going to formula but both of us are determined women so if we had to pump extra for each other for the next 6 months to make sure both of our babies were breastfed, we would do it. That's mommy drive for ya!

Eva Violet has arrived!!

Well between my last post and now, I am sure you assumed that I had the baby and no, I am not a month late :)

Eva Violet at just a few minutes old! 

My little miracle baby decided she wanted to arrive five days before her due date then at the last minute thought that she should take her good old time making her way down that birth canal. So some 72 hours after my contractions started, little missy was born. Not in the way I had (fully) hoped but she was born healthy and happy and that is all that counts!

So here is the birth story: My contractions started on Wednesday, January 2 at midnight and continued throughout the night at 15 minute intervals. We waited until the morning to check-in with my midwife and doula. I was prepared for a home birth and had everything set! My midwife and doula arrived at my house Wednesday evening and I was dialating and my contractions were closer together and much stronger.

I labored all over my house...in the kitchen, in my living room hunched over furniture. On a birthing ball, on the toilet and in a kiddie pool in my living room. We really thought we were getting close and by around 2 am on Thursday we thought she was coming out soon. I got into the pool and I guess it was just too soothing bc the contractions slowed and not much happened. About 90 minutes later I was out of the pool and still in labor but no baby yet. She was making mommy work!

At some point in the early morning hours I got back into the pool but still nothing was moving forward. Things seemed to be stuck. All was fine with both our vitals so we continued to try other things. I laid in bed for a while and got a  little rest. Then I was back up swaying from side to side in my kitchen...saying "down and out" over and over again. I was using my hypnosis that learned from Hypnobabies throughout all of it. I was in the "off" position or "center" and really working on pointing the anesthesia where it needed to go! I was all about the "peace" cue and that got me through a lot of it.

I was also listening to the Hypnobabies recordings...fear-clearing, deepening, birthing affirmations and pushing the baby out. But this particular baby did not want to come out just yet. But I didn't want to give up on my hope for a home birth. So I got a second, third and fourth wind and pushed through. I was determined to make this work.

The rest of the day on Thursday just sucked but I did whatever I had to to get this baby down and out! But she had other plans and it did not involve a home birth. So by Thursday night, after my water had been broken for more than 12 hours and I was actually regressing (went from 8 centimeters back to 5-6) we had to make the decision to transfer to the hospital. I was dehydrated and hadn't slept in two days and after two days of labor without pain meds, you could say I was beat.

I was still having strong contractions about every 2-5 minutes so off to the hospital we went!! I was lucky to be going to the hospital with the lowest C-section rate on Long Island. I met another midwife there and she was awesome! They got me into a room right away and then an epidural and then I was in La-La land. I needed to sleep and rest and that is what I did for the next 24 hours. Yes, that's right. I still had to wait another 24 hours for this little petunia to be born!

So while resting all day Friday I dilated and was all ready to push by Friday night. Two hours of pushing and little miss cone-head was born at 9:47 p.m. She is just perfect and still is!!

There is a part of me that is disappointed that my home birth didn't happen and that i ended up at the hospital doing the things I didn't want to do. But it's a small part that gets smaller everyday and is trumped by the fact that I am lucky enough to have this beautiful, precious baby girl in my life.

Full term

Well...I've made it to 37 weeks and its astounding that I am here. By this time, woman are considered full-term, which means this baby's organs should be fully developed and ready for the outside world. So look out world, this baby is getting ready to arrive!

My baby belly with my newest niece hanging out!

The anxiety is building...I am excited and scared and happy all at the same time. Most of all, I am beyond grateful. I can honestly say that a moment has not passed during this entire pregnancy that I have not felt grateful. It's the one constant. I know the hard choices women make going through infertility  I've seen it first hand with my friends. I haven't had to go beyond one IVF and that makes me beyond grateful. I am humbled. I will never look at pregnancy, children, parenthood or infertility the way I did before we ventured into this territory more than five years ago. I will never forget what I have learned about myself, the strength of the amazing women I know and how inspired I will always be by all of them!

Today when I hit 37 weeks, I sent a text to my hubs letting him know that our baby is the size of a Swiss chard. I asked him if he ever thought we would get to this place? I think he is going to miss my big belly.

I haven't written in so long...time really flew by. I had the most amazing baby shower that was so filled with love and goodness that I want to relive it all of the time. It was one of the best days I've had. The generosity of my family and friends was astounding and just how much it meant was beyond words.

I hope to pass all that goodness onto to my next friend who is expecting a baby!

As for now, I am totally focused on the birth. It will be at home where we will be surrounded by women who have supported our birth plan from day one and have been wonderful - my midwife and doula. I am working hard on my hypnosis...and am feeling confident about it. Hypnobabies was one the best choices we made along the way of having a natural childbirth.

Our classes were taught by the amazing Lesley Levine from Hypnobliss Birth. I cannot wait to put it all into action!

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

And October 15 is a special day...it is a day to remember, to love, to cherish. It is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

The day is observed with remembrance ceremonies and candle-lighting vigils, concluding with the International Wave of Light, a worldwide lighting of candles at 7:00 p.m. (in all time zones). Even if you have not experienced this type of loss first hand, I am sure you know someone who has.

So light a candle for all of those angels and their loving parents!

If you have children, hold them a little closer and let your gratitute for those miracles fill you up and spillover to others. If you have experienced loss, know you are strong and your angels are watching over you. xxoo

The birth plan...diving on in

I have been planning this for years and it's so great to see it all coming together!! I always wanted to go with a midwife and try my best for an au-naturel birth. So that is our plan and we are sticking to it.

My nephew was born at home with a midwife and as my sister-in-law tells it, it was a wonderful and amazing experience that trumped her previous two births in a hospital setting. I wrote about that almost two years ago on this blog and also about the documentary, The Business of Being Born, check it out if you haven't already. You can read that post here.

The hubby and I were all set to do a waterbirth at a hospital with our midwife but the more we talked about it the more we wanted to do it at home. So we changed the plans and Baby C will be delivered in my living room, or bedroom :) We will get a big tub/pool and do it all at home. I am super psyched!!!

I actually feel like a weight has been lifted. I won't have to stress about when to go to the hospital and mess up the good flow I will have at home with my doula. I am also excited about my doula...we all clicked when we met with her. We knew she was the one.

Water has long been used to ease the discomforts of labor and by using a midwife where you are not strapped to a bed and hooked up to machines and can walk around and eat, etc, women can tune into what their bodies need and allow the powerful birthing energies to flow, while keeping the non-productive stress hormones to a minimum.

Waterbirths allow a woman to dialite more quickly, which can result in a shorter labor.


By using a midwife, the C-section rate is drastically reduced as well as rates of episiotomy and the need for interventions.

I am under no illusion that this will be a painless experience but I am confident that doing it this way is the best way for me. Our bodies are made for this and there is no way I wanted to be rushed during this process and have a doctor push induction or a C-section just so they can get home faster. I am confident that my body knows what to do and how.

The hubby and I are also taking a hypnobabies class starting in Sept -- it's hypnosis for childbirth.

There are two hypnosis-style birthing classes. One is the traditional hypnobirthing and the other is hypnobabies, which uses hypnobirthing techniques and tweaks it into a more comprehensive class. I decided on that one and am pumped to start the classes.

20 weeks and counting...and shout out to Dr. T & Sher Institute

We have made it to the half-way point. It is just incredible. 20 weeks!! Whoo-hooo!!

I doubted so many times that I would ever get to this place in my life and I take none of it for granted. I know I say that over and over again but I truly truly know how lucky I am to be experiencing all of this.

I still ache for the women I know who are still on a journey and those who are facing extremely hard pregnancies with tough decisions to make that no one should ever have to. My heart goes out to all of them.

But I am also basking in the joy of getting to 20 weeks and seeing our baby growing up (in the womb) and making it all real....here is Baby C at 20 weeks!! Look at those lips :)

I cannot wait to meet this baby! I feel him/her kick all of the time and although sometimes it seems alien-like, it is way cool.

Another thing that happened this week is we officially graduated from the fertility doctor. Since part of my treatment involved intralipids (IVs up until 20 weeks of pregnancy) I was still going to see all the awesome peeps at Sher Institute in NYC. I was excited to get the last of the IVs over with and to say "a bientot" to Dr. T. It's just a "see-ya" later...not a goodbye. I will visit again and always look forward to seeing all those smiling faces.

I am a cheerleader for Dr. T, so if anyone ever asks, I will always recommend him. Several women in my inferility support group are also patients of his (or will be soon). So far, two of us who have done IVFs with him have been successful and I know there are more to come!!! Here is the best thing about Sher Institite and Dr. T -- it is not a factory where you are treated with the same protocol as every other patient who walks through the door. It is indiviualized and well worth it to make the trip into the city if you are not already living there.

I had such a great experience there from my first visit until my last IV appt. It was seamless and easy and wonderful. I couldn't have asked for a better experience. So thank you, Dr. T, Voula, Jocelyn, Jackie, Frances, Sylvia, Michelle, Yari and Jessica!!! You all rock!!





Dr Tortoriello and another one of his miracles!







Yari and Michelle always smiling at the front desk!





Frances and Jackie...such sweeties!!



Six down...two to go

I feel like I am hitting some milestones all the time and it just makes me smile!

As I type this (with just my left hand on an IPhone) I am sitting at Sher in NYC getting my intralipid on and I am 12 weeks along today!! Whooo-hooo!

I've done six of these IV intralipid therapies already (two before I got pregnant) and the rest after. Each one takes about 2 hours.

This treatment is one of the main reasons I found Sher and am a patient here today! The other REs I went to wouldn't even discuss immune issues as a possibility.

I tested positive for high Natural Killer cells, which is an immune disorder that keeps an embryo from attaching to the uterus.

Up until that point I was just "unexplained" with no direction. Being able to get tested and treated for this was a relief.

If you want to read more about immunological disorders and infertility, check out this article by Dr. Sher.

IVIG & Intralipid Therapy in IVF: Interpreting Natural Killer Cell Activity for Diagnosis and Treatment

http://haveababy.com/fertility-information/ivf-authority/ivig-intralipid-therapy-in-ivf/

If you can attend an informational event in your area about this issue, go and ask lots of questions!!

Na Na Na Na Hey Hey Hey Goodbye...

I said adiós to my progesterone shots on Sunday. I won't go into the loathing and all that...I am looking ahead to days where I won't have a black and blue bum :)

The last one didn't even hurt in the least. I barely felt it...maybe it was mind over matter :) Well I am glad that finally kicked in on the last one.

It feels freeing to be done with the injections and the suppositories as well. It's also a milestone...I am more than 10 weeks along and am really starting to have to accept this...realize this is REAL, and the IVF worked.

I remember during my sister-in-law's third pregnancy a couple of years ago I was sitting with her at my in-law's house and felt her belly and my little nephew kicking. It brought tears to my eyes and I worried that I would never get to that place and get to experience that.

I know full well how lucky I am at this moment.

It is strange being on this "side" in a way, you are leaving behind (sort of) this world of infertility that you became accustomed to...one that you wore like a badge/weight/armour/with sadness/with hope. I am still part of this "sisterhood" and I have many sisters who are still on this journey.

I want so so bad to pull them to side and make all the worry and pain go away. I wish I could fix all of their problems.

What I can do is let them know I am here for them 100%, I will pick them up when they fall, I will listen to their pain and sadness and worry and venting at any time. I am also here to offer hope that YOU CAN DO THIS! You can get through it and make your dreams come true.

Hand it over to your higher power...they make things happen, they give you faith, they take the weight off of your back. I want to say to all my "Panera Girls" that you are in my thoughts and prayers everyday and that we are all on this journey together!!

If you reading this and feel alone and that you have no one else to talk to, one of the best decisions I ever made was to find a support group of women who were dealing with the same struggle I was. I can't stress it enough how much it helps!

The National Infertility Association, Resolve, can help you find a group in your area. Check it out here.

Lucky bracelets...

My mom makes the coolest jewelry and when she made me a chakra bracelet, I never took it off. It was a multi-color one that covered all of the chakras from my root to my crown. Then I wanted to target one area...and you know what it is....my navel/sacral chakra that covers fertility. It's orange and I wore that one all of the time too.

It was a reminder to keep going, be positive, not give up and it had good energy of course! In addition to the orange chakra bracelets, rubies, moonstones and rose quartz all promote fertility. There is definitely good energy coming from those stones!

I get asked a lot about the bracelets I wear so I wanted to put it out there if anyone wanted one...here are some of the ones that are available (although anything can be made to order)...all real semi-precious stones with sterling silver.

From the left: two ruby bracelets (yes, they are real),
two orange chakra bracelets made from carnelian,
and two rose quartz bracelets.

The prices range from $40-$65...drop me an email if you are interested! fertilegroundblog@gmail.com

A long overdue update...

This blog and my readers have been on my mind for so long...I wanted to write but I also wanted to be certain.

And I feel confident today to say with certainty that my IVF worked (HOLY CRAP) and I am pregnant (DOUBLE HOLY CRAP)! It is unbelievable to even write that down, to acknowledge it and even attempt to accept it.

I told my husband that I won't accept it for real until the baby is in my arms...and that remains the truth. After five long years of trying and trying some more  it is really like a dream. Even the nauseousness and fatigue and all of that is like a dream...I swear I am happy for all of it. BRING IT ON!! ( I maybe complaining about this later but for now when someone in my office heats up fish in the office microwave and I walk by and almost puke in the recyclable bin...I am happy for that :)

I also can't wait to have a big belly...I am not concerned about "being fat" and am happy that I will be expanding! I am not taking any of this and what it all means for granted.

So I cheated the day before my first blood test at Sher and got a positive at night and another one the next morning...in all these years I never seen two lines...and part of me really thought I never would. I also never thought I would be a person who posts pictures of pee sticks...but hey, things change!

Yup, here they are

As of this writing I am 8 weeks along. My hubs calls me and texts me randomly to yell " We are going to be parents!!" Its other worldly!  My due date is January 9...which happens to be my Grammy's Bday :)

The initial sonogram showed two sacs, however one was smaller than the other and unfortunately did not continue to grow. But we have one growing, healthy baby who is now the size of a green olive!

Just this past Wednesday we got to hear the heartbeat...it was 170 to be exact! We saw the little babe (who resembles a platypus) and sadly (although for good reason) I was released by Dr. T.

Hello Platy...you look marvellous!

In a perfect world Dr. T would also deliver my baby and I wouldn't have to leave his nice office with his lovely staff and awesome nurses. But it means I have graduated and that is super!! I couldn't have asked for a better experience.

I will still be hanging around there though for a few weeks to come....part of my treatment still includes immune issues and I will keep getting intralipid IVs to keep my killer cells low and the baby growing and happy.

One day I will be celebrating is June 17...that is the day I NO LONGER have to do my progesterone shots. I HATE THEM. There is no way around it. My bum is black and blue and lumpy and itchy....all very sexy things. Sometimes I don't feel the shot..other times it feels like a dagger in my butt with poison being pushed out. It remains my nemesis. Oh how I loathe you.

But to be Mrs. Brightside...I do them bc I am PREGNANT and that trumps all of it and makes everything worth it no matter what!

The hubby and I haven't gone totally public with this...so those of you who read this and know me, please keep it between us for now. xoxo

**One more thing: The lovely staff and doctors at Sher Institute for Reproductive Medicine are doing something spectacular! They are donating a free IVF cycle in honor of Father's Day. They have offices throughout the US so check it out! And hurry...the deadline is June 6!!

In recognition of Father’s Day, we are excited to announce our “I Believe” Video Journal Project.   Father’s Day can be another tough “Hallmark Holiday” when you are trying to start or add to your family, so to provide a ray of hope, we are happy to be able to donate a free IVF cycle to one person/couple this Father’s Day weekend. 

To be considered for the donated IVF cycle, just create a video that details your infertility story and expresses your thoughts and emotions.

To find out more details and how to enter click here

The waiting game...

Holy crap is this annoying! Nice view but freakin' annoying!

What's a girl to do during the waiting game before the pregnancy test? 

Well I have alphabetized my closet...didn't think that was possible? Well I made it possible (in my head)...by brand name then color then by item then rated by comfort. :) 

Do I sound like I have a lot of time on my hands...well I do...

Then I gave my dogs and cats (I have a mini-farm at home...the animals outnumber the humans) manis/pedis/facials/conditioner treatments/massages/acupressure/chakra alignments...then I lit some sage and made sure they had no negativity surrounding them. 

Not a happy kitty

Ok, well maybe I didn't do all of this but I am definitely considering it. It's better than the alternative which has been me just staring into space and thinking and thinking and thinking.

Since I need a break from my constant thinking and watching the seconds of this day tick by so I wanted to share a previous post again on a way to eliminate stress/anxiety/overall glumness, etc and that's by using the Emotional Freedom Technique, or ETF. Below will redirct to an older post on EFT and how to do it and what it all means! Happy Tapping!!

It's Emotional Freedom Baby, Yeah!

Also, just found this online...want to learn how to tap? Check it out!

Tapping World Summit 2012!!

There goes the safety net....(sort of)

So I was flying high...had 20 eggs retrieved, 13 matured, 12 fertilized and 2 transferred. I thought I would have an arsenal left over of 10 embryos to freeze but today Dr. T told me that only 2 made it to freeze. The others didn't make it to the expanded blastocyst stage and were therefore not freezable.

I was a little bummed but at least I still have 2 to work with and I am grateful for that. Dr. T did say that what I got is pretty good and that most IVF cycles don't get more than that!

For now, I am pulling for these tiny little Grade A's that are hopefully working to attach deeper into my uterine lining and beginning implantation.

The crazy part is that the medium I went to in March told me she saw 4...and I thought she was nuts. I think I said something like "well I hope not!" thinking she meant I would only get 4 eggs retrieved. Turns out she was right about the 4...we transferred 2 and now have 2 frozen...that's the second thing that has come up since our reading that came true.

She said there are two kids "waiting to come" and they are very close...so we shall see how close.

I am in the waiting part of this cycle and its truly strange...I feel sort of relieved to be at this point but also anxiety filled. I try to keep the negative thoughts out....I even asked myself, can it be this easy? Could I be one of the lucky ones that IVF works the first time?

It's a strange thing to ask since going through IVF isn't easy at all but I know women that have gone through more. If I were to pose this question to my friends and family who haven't had any fertility issues, they would think I was nuts for asking if it can be this easy.

But I still wonder, have I done enough? Have I worked hard enough at this? These are the annoying questions I ask myself and the ones I want to keep at bay too. I tried hard this month to keep my chin up and be grateful every step of the way...sometimes these thoughts just creep in.

But I still do feel positive about this cycle...I am 3dpt and I feel good. It's Friday...I will sleep in tomorrow and do whatever I please and hang out with friends and just have fun.

Have a good weekend fertile readers!!
xoxo

Say hello to my little blastocysts...

Yes, I am quoting Tony Montana from Scarface when talking about my "grade A" embryos...but hey, a girl's gotta laugh through this!!

Well here they are...they have my eyes and my husband's bone structure! He said the right one looks like a buffalo nickel...so we are considering the name Buff for a boy :)

Their first photo...with touch-ups of course :)

The transfer was seamless and Dr. Brown at SIRM in NYC was awesome as well as all the nurses there who I always love to see! Dr. B said my lining was "beautiful" and that was the best compliment that I could have ever heard.

We transferred two and now we have 10 left...which makes me feel good, like I have a safety net.

Here is a little tip I got from a good friend about drinking water before the transfer. You need a full bladder when doing the transfer...we live on Long Island and had to drive into NYC..I was going to start drinking an hour before we got there but thank god I didn't or I wouldn't have been able to hold it.
So a friend suggested starting to drink the water when you are about half way to your appointment because you are not taken in immediately and may have to wait. So thanks Heather for that tip! You saved my bladder :)

So St. Rita was in my purse in the room during the transfer as my good luck charm/goddess/mascot/giver-of-hope. Come on St. Rita...I need a miracle!!

My husband's aunt brought me this back from a St. Rita church in Philly

I am at home now just relaxing and trying to make the most out of the rules from the doc...no lifting over 10 lbs...no strenuous activity...like vacuuming!! Wooo hooo!

But really, my husband hasn't let me do anything for a few weeks now...no opening the gate in the driveway, picking up the dogs, or carrying anything at all. He has been awesome, especially since he can be seen around town holding a coach bag for me! I tell him it's like a man-bag; a murse -- he does not find that funny.

Progesterone...my IVF nemesis

I have been stressing since the start of this IVF cycle about doing intra-muscular shots like progesterone. It's kept me up at night and made me sweat when I thought about it.

Well ladies and gents, it is here...the time to do the shot in my bum...and grin and bear it! On the positive side, doing the shots means that I am that much closer to moving forward with this cycle and I am always excited about that!

But still, all I could think about was this GIANT needle that had to go into my upper/outer butt quadrant. I was picturing it going in and through muscle and tissue and how I was going to be screaming with pain.

It was my nemesis.

At it turns out, the needle part wasn't as bad as I thought. I was laying on the bed with my head in a pillow ready to cry but it was way worse in my head!

Actually, the real pain in the butt comes AFTER the shot where it feels like a big old bruise. I've only done one so far but I can image where this is going...hopefully my husband will not forget about these shots and smack my bum in a way that was once cute but could now spark WWIII.

One thing I have figured out from all of this is that the sight of any needle that I know is meant for me makes my stomach do backflips and sends me running to the loo. So if I have a problem going to the loo...well then all I need to do is look at a needle and I am all set and regular again :)

Doing shots...

Getting crazy the night before the retrieval and doing some shots....of wheatgrass :)
Does this mean I will have a green hangover? I'll let you know...

Putting all eggs in one basket...

Well the time has come...tonight I will take a shot to trigger ovulation and then on Thursday Dr. T and his team at Sher will retrieve all of the eggs I have been cooking up!

So far there are about 14 follicles...some are a little smaller than others so I might not get the whole lot but either way I have some really good ones that are measuring up to be over achievers!

Also, more good news today. My blood pressure, which has been very high since Friday, has come back down and is much much better. I also feel so much better than I did late last week so I knew it was only a matter of time.

I am super excited and ready to go! Wish me luck!
xoxo

Yes, they are here..the side effects

Ok so yesterday I was all "I feel great" and "I have no side effects"

this is not me but some lady who is dizzy...if it were me I would get better highlights.

Well I can eat those words today....well not really because I might just throw them up. Follistim has reared its lovely head and given me massive headaches and nausea.

And when did it decide to hit me? On my train ride home. I was leaving work a little late and got on the train home...and thanks to "signal problems" the Long Island railroad cancelled some trains and combined others. I walked from front of train to back and not one seat was available...Ok, fine.

So I am standing in the back of a packed car when all of sudden I get a hot flash...I wish I could strip down but ya know, I can't cause I'll get arrested and all. So to avoid jail time I just take off my jacket and scarf and sweat it out.

Following the sweats I am overcome with a pukey feeling. I don't know what to do at this point...can't move down the aisle and I am NOT on a car with bathroom. At that point I consider puking in my purse if it came to that.

Somehow, however, I managed to breath through it and make off the damn train before blowing chunks.
So on the plus side I didn't have to puke in front of strangers...or anyone for that matter. And didn't have to ruin a new handbag!

It comes in waves and I am doing ok now...my husband made me cookies "with love" so all is good! xoxo

Hello follies...looking lovely today

Well I am laying the ground work for a fertile ground  in my uterus and as you can see (sort of)...all is good in mah belly. Those are follicles on one of my ovaries and since all looks good I've started my stimulation meds a few days early and am on my way!

I did my first shot of follistim last night and I feel really good today...the only minor side effect I've noticed so far is... crazy, hardcore balling at the site of anything, constant hunger, happiness followed by misery, hugging followed by screaming at my husband, my dog, my cat, my postman (he was caught off guard) and any poor telemarketer who calls my house...

Hehehe...just kidding! Really I've had no side effects (knock on wood) yet except a little bit of hotness at night and I don't mean the sexy kind. But nothing that keeps me up. My dreams have been a little out of control but I've always been that way so nothing new there.

I did have a little breakdown on Sunday night and Monday morning..I was not feeling my optimistic self and things felt very heavy and crappy. My bright spot and my rock is my husband who has given over all to a higher power and reminds me to do the same because good things are to come! I do believe that but get shaken from time to time. I know how lucky I am to have a man like him, who picks me up and carries me when I am down.

I was looking through an old box of my stuff a while back and found some letters that my grandmother had written me when she was alive. She always wrote me letters throughout my life. The one I happened to read was so timely and about when life is hard and you are discouraged just give all over to god to handle.

It made me feel such relief to read it. I don't think there are coincidences, I think Grammy G was there to make sure I read her note at that moment, just like when I saw a rainbow and knew it was from her after she died.

All is good today and I am ok with today...living in this moment feels great, so I'll take it!

So I will know more later this week on how those follicles are progressing! Until then I am continuing acupuncture twice a week along with taking my vitamins and trying to stay active.

I've skipped out on the gym but have been walking Ollie a lot...of course he is way happy about that!

Happy Birthday St. Gerard!!

Lots of us pray to him and wear him around our neck...but on Friday, April 6 it's his birthday!

St. Gerard , the Patron Saint of Motherhood, was born in 1726 in a small town in the south of Italy called Muro. Funny enough, the website I searched for his info used to give out free prayer cards and medals but the response has been overwhelming so they stopped handing them out for free! Ha!


To read more about St. Gerard, click here.


In honor of St. Gerard's birthday, St. Lucy's Parish in Newark, NJ will have an annual mass on April 15 at 12:30 pm.

Gratefullness, polyps and more....

Love life and it will love you back....

I recently had a chalk board put into my kitchen...my awesome husband bought chalkboard paint and cut some nice molding and make a lovely place for me (and him) to write whatever we like. The quote above has been on the board for a week or so and I have been feeling the love big time. Not just how much I get but in what I also give out.

I am a few weeks into my first IVF cycle and things are going well....no major side effects with the injections or steroids. I went for my first intralipid IV at SIRM in NYC yesterday. It was painless and calm and I just read my book for two hours.

That's my HUGE hand in the front :)

I was happy and not scared or worried...just grateful. It really overwhelmed me. I was grateful that I could be in a position to get the care I need with a doctor I trust with caring and knowledgeable nurses. I was grateful that my insurance is picking up the cost of many things and I can afford to get a treatment like intralipids.

I definitely wasn't in a place of "why me?" It never crossed my mind. I am just happy and grateful to be able to get excellent treatment and have a family sometime soon! I am also extremely grateful for the tremendous support system I have from my family and friends, especially my "Panera Girls" :)

I feel calm and collected and as cool as a cucumber. I do know that might change as I move along in this month and have more hormone injections but for now, since I love being in this moment, I am loving it big time.

Last week, I had to do a saline sonogram, which is required before doing the IVF. My doc, Dr. Tortoriello at SIRM, found a couple of polpys in my uterus. This was surprising and something I have never been checked for before...so needless to say, I am not sure how long then have been hanging around.

I had a hysteroscopy a few days later to remove the polyps...Dr. T said they were large and hanging there like a chandelier. He used a teeny-tiny scissors to snip them off. I woke up in recovery and was really cramping but overall I bounced back quickly and feel great today.

I had asked if this was the cause of my infertility (even though I know it would be hard to answer) and Dr. T said pretty much that, it's hard to say but could be a contributor.

Even still, I am happy that my uterus is a clean and happy place now...and all ready for baby!!