The Birthday Blues...

I have always been super-duper excited about my birthday. I loved having a reason for my friends and family to get together. It's always been fun.

I embraced getting a year older....30 did not faze me in the least 'cause I really don't look 30 and I really feel like I am 21 :)

But moving into my 30's was stranger than I anticipated. And really you can't complain because there is always someone older than you saying "wait till your 40 - that's really rough."

Although when you hit a certain age...it’s like whatever! My 92-year old Grammy never said to me "wait till you hit 90 - it's a bitch." I just think she was so amazed to still be around!

Ok so back to my topic....the age of 35 is daunting for a woman who is trying to conceive. It's like you reached old age already and it's creepy. The more you read the more freaked out you get as you approach 35. By now your eggs are getting old and that is the age where you are high risk...yada yada yada.

On Monday I am turning 32. I picture the day ending much like the Tom Petty video above :) I don't feel excited or particularly want to celebrate unless it comes in the form of a positive pregnancy test. Yes, ladies and gents, I would now like to have a plastic stick that was peed on for my Bday. Oh how things have changed!

I know, I have three years to go before 35 but I've already been trying for almost three years so how much longer is the process going to take??? Ok, I changed my mind. I would like a crystal ball for my birthday.

But within all this madness I had to take a step back and stop getting so freaked out about being one step closer to 35. I am also one step closer to having a full head of gray hair and major wrinkles but I am not freaking out about that so I need to calm down.

So I am going to embrace the power and beauty of the goddess and revere the vulnerable sensitivity of Mother Nature. You cannot change certain things so you must embrace them and that is what I am going to do.

I have the best mom – she is always opening my eyes to new ways of thinking and viewing what is going on in my life. She gave me her Tibetan Buddhist Pop-Up Goddess Altar.

You open to the page of the goddess of your choice, recite the mantra, or enlightened speech and vividly image yourself in the form of the deity while reciting the mantra repeatedly and mediating on the deity’s divine qualities leading to purification of all aspects of your body (actions), speech (words) and mind (thoughts).

My altar is set up to the goddess Vasudhara (see photo below) who is the goddess of prosperity, fertility, abundance and happiness. I am going to mediate on that for a while and be in a moment where I enjoy my day, be thankful I am here to live another year and know that good things are ahead for me.

So if you are feeling down about your "fertility" age...connect with nature, meditate or just plain relax. I order everyone go get a massage this weekend. I am getting mine on Friday - Happy Birthday to me!