Inconceivable

What a strange journey this has been...trying not to get pregnant for most of my 20's and then when you want it to happen...fuggetaboutit, as Donnie Brasco and a bunch of guidos would say.

It has been 2 years and 8 months of trying....some months I have completely not cared and some months I've taken my temp every morning and did all the ovulation tests and choked down supplements and Chinese herbs.

But sometimes things will happen only when they are supposed to - although that is a hard one to swallow too. The stars and the universe have to align for some people....for others it happens when they least expect.

I've been through weird ups and downs with all of this and last year was pretty nasty. December 2009 was very very tough and it just got worse from there. The summer, as I called it, was the summer of depression. But if you are reading this and know what I am talking about I can assure you that things do get better.

You reach a point when you just accept how you are feeling and where you are at the moment. It is not about giving up hope; it's about being in the now and just living for the day. I was barely getting through important moments in my friends' lives and my own life because the only thing on my mind was getting pregnant and why it wasn’t happening for me.

"Love, joy, and peace cannot flourish until you have freed yourself from mind dominance" -Eckhart Tolle

But you come to a point when the wave feels less like it's drowning you and pulling you down and more like it's moving you forward. That is not to say there are not little meltdowns and freak outs but they happen less and you get over it faster.

There are stories that give you hope and while every story may not always be like your own, it helps to know someone else is going through it because I never really talk to anyone else who is going through this...it is just not talked about.

My mom bought me a book called "Inconceivable: A Woman's Triumph over Despair and Statistics" last year and it was pretty interesting. It is about a woman who was trying to have a second baby and was told that her numbers (hormone, etc) were too far off and she would never conceive again.

She didn’t accept it and took the alternative route of acupuncture and Chinese herbs among other things. It worked for her and that always gives me hope!

I set off on my own acupuncture experience and although it hasn't worked for me, it has helped a lot of women. Even fertility doctors will suggest acupuncture at the same time you are doing an IVF cycle.

My awesome sister-in-law, Steph, sent me this note today. Sometimes you just need a pick up and your friends and family will be there for you...you just have to let them in.

"I really do believe that life has a plan for all of us on its own schedule. Some things are meant to test our commitment and patience. Others test our relationships and our sanity. In the end, we will come out stronger and have more of an appreciation for what we went through. We just have to ride the wave. We might wind up in a completely different place than we thought we would, but a good place. A place that's right for us."

Thanks Teffi <3